Letter to Newbies


I write to those of you who fall into BDSM like you would fall into a comfy couch. This is not a fit-for-all lifestyle. A perfect Dom who is a gentleman, a prince charming doesn’t come in a cake mix box ready to go, and you cannot convert your husband or significant other into one by forcing it onto him either.   Don’t be in a hurry to follow the crowd.
If you are wondering about the collars you see people wearing, you should know that wearing a collar is not something you go shopping for; then wear it to show off to your friends like a fashion statement.
These things that are in the lifestyle we live, and are cherished; we work hard to keep it that way.  I want to tell you what it means to feel like you have rushed into this lifestyle.

If you don’t take the time to learn about BDSM lifestyle and just throw yourself at strangers, it can be a very dangerous and costly game where you can get seriously hurt if you are not careful.

Try to imagine that you are out drinking with some friends, and you want to impress them and decide to try to drive.  It is not a good decision and it is not worth it; you may end up dead.  This is a similar situation in which you need to be safe, and use common sense.  If you do not take safety precautions with strangers, you could end up chained in a basement somewhere, or worse; dead in some back alley. I beg of you, to those who are new to this, take this seriously, this is your life we are talking about.

So my rant is over now, and I really would like to tell you is, first decide what you want to do in this lifestyle or where you want to go with it.  If you decide you would like some playtime, meaning you could have some pain sessions for fun, you can go do a dungeon, where you are safer.   Dungeons are social clubs where BDSM people meet for play or socializing.  Dungeons have Dungeon Masters watching all the time (kind of like bouncers).  It works well when all you want is pain for recreational purposes.  Yes, some pain is awesome, but you must find someone who is safe and knows what he/she is doing, or you can get hurt in ways you did not intend. If you were to meet someone there who you are interested in having a session with, you should talk with them first. 

Make sure to go over what your limits and safewords are.  Safeword is a code word for you and your partner so they know when you want them to stop.  You should also buy your own toys and bring them with you to the dungeon. When I play with others, they usually bring their own floggers, canes, paddles and etc.  It is unsanitary to use toys on different people unless you are certain they were disinfected, because, what if you draw blood?? Safer is better!
If you want a relationship with another person who is into Kink, you can find someone with similar interests.  Build a relationship first, and very go slow.   The relationship must be a strong one before jumping forward. You could start with S&M (Sadomasochism) first. Sadomasochism is a form of physical role-playing, but in this case there is no power exchange, just pain or kinky sex.   It may develop into BDSM relationship later on, but the best way to ensure this relationship lasts, is to spend time reinforcing it. I mean in all aspects, not just kink, you want to spend time getting to really know each other outside of the bedroom.

Please understand you want to cover all your bases and make sure you keep yourself safe. Do not be afraid to say no to something that doesn’t feel right. Do not be afraid to back out of a situation that seems off, for the fear of upsetting someone. You need to take care of you, and not worry about other people’s feelings when it comes to your safety. Once you are bound, tied or whatever, you can not help yourself.  You need to feel secure in the belief that when you use your SAFEWORD your partner needs to stop. Value yourself, do not just give yourself away to just anyone.

One other thing than you should do when you meet someone for the first time, or still learning from each other, is have a friend close by that knows where you are at, and how long you should be there.  Leave them the address where you will be, and agree on a code word that tells them you are ok. If they do not receive your message, they can call you.  But keep in mind that if you are bound, and possibly gagged, you won’t be able to answer. If they feel you are in trouble they can send the police. (worst case).  I DO NOT want to scare you or anything like that, just want to make sure you are aware of the possibilities that exist in this lifestyle journey you are about to take.

Research and learn, never stop learning. (Make sure you are learning from a good source though). Be patient and take it easy, please do not be overeager. I know we live in a world of instant gratification, but this is not something to take lightly.  Some local dungeons have classes to start people off, and where you can go to meet people into the same lifestyle you like.  Or email me here and I will give some areas, places, groups or people who can help point you in the direction you need to go.

Good luck and please

Be safe, have fun.